30, Flirty, and Barely Surviving

 I've known for a while that I was going to use the opportunity to hit 30 to be a, stepping stone, I suppose. 

Truth be told, I didn't think I would make it this far so, that alone was like 'oh, okay cool.' 

Now I'm 30, I'm single, I live with my parents, and I have nothing to my name. Nothing that most people value, anyway. I don't know what I want in life, who I am, I barely know what I need. 

That being said, I suppose I decided to write about what I HAVE changed this year and my current mindset, how I got here, and where I think I'm going. 

I suppose, the first step in telling you about my current mindset it telling you a little bit about myself. 

I'm Kaye. Or Kayelee. Or Kaylee. Or Kiki. (2026 edit, Kiki BOTHERS ME but >>) Or whatever, I don't generally care but I definitely do respond differently to each one. Kaye is what I introduce myself as. Do with that what you will, I suppose. 

As previously mentioned, I turned 30 this year. I'm a Pisces, and clinically depressed with a splash of severe anxiety! And that's just what I have diagnosed. That's a problem for next year me, I got too much shit to do this year. 

I come from a large, religious family and I have grown into a different belief system but, at this point, that is not a conflict in my life so that's great for me. I was raised 'independent with conservative leanings' and, shocker, that's not where I sit anymore but, that's not at all what this is about. Just a little backstory, especially if you find my older blogs and go '...huh.' 

The oldest sister, the only sister, and while having an older brother, was the oldest sibling in my household. My life has always been very busy and very, service oriented. That has done me a lot of harm in my adult life but that's on me for not making better decisions and valuing myself so little that I sit here with the belief that I have nothing to offer anyone but that doesn't stop me from destroying myself to give everyone else something. 

Was homeschooled, started working officially as soon as I was 18. I did have a seasonal position younger than that but that hardly counts. Though, I did learn quite a bit at that Tilly's in Scottsdale. Mostly that white teenage boys in Scottsdale REALLY love DGK. Go figure. 

Most of my real life job has been dog grooming. And that's all you need to know to appreciate the rest of this.

The end of last year, I made a vow to myself that I would make my life change. I didn't know how but something had to change and it felt like I needed to gut an old house out in order to make any progress at all. 

The first place I started was changing jobs. Still dog grooming but doing it mobile, on relatively my own schedule and it's given me a lot of freedom. It has taken a LOT of sacrifice but it HAS given freedom. 

Dealing with that change caused a ripple effect. At first, it was very negative for my mental health and, honestly, every aspect of my life. I am a prideful bitch, there was no way I was going to go crawling back to my old job, especially after how I left and blocked everyone I hated (lol.) But, the extra free time gave me a lot of time to think and evaluate other aspects of my life. My physical health is not fantastic (I do think a lot of it is directly caused by my stressed levels so keep that in mind) and there was a time when I was violently ill every single day except the days when I worked. 

Full transparency, I still am sick in the mornings but I think that's a combination of eating too close to bedtime and how fucking HOT it is here ALL THE TIME. But at THIS time I'm referring to, I also had an insane amount of nerve wracking stress. 

I won't go into too many details for privacy and, frankly, because I don't want to admit some things out loud.

I sat and waited, despite struggling because I felt like, that was a big change, that should fix enough of my stress for me to be able to have more energy for the things important to me. 

I was very wrong. In fact, I had misdiagosed my most severe stressor. 

I am a sad person, absolutely. But, most people don't know that part about me because I don't show it. I can turn on the 'life of the party' switch, I can be social butterfly, fun, bubbly, therapist, etc. I knew there was something wrong when people around me that didn't know shit about who I really was, could see the cracks. They started asking and they didn't understand why I was suddenly so angry, or not as warm or so uncaring. That wasn't me. Not the me people could see, anyway. Then when I was by myself, instead of being in my sad mode, I was still angry. Angry at the fact that I was alive. Angry that everything hurts and is hard and that I have nothing. That I will die with nothing. That I AM nothing. 

That anger festered. For a long time, really. Until the rage was blinding. I didn't even want to fix my problem anymore. I wanted to burn in it. I wanted to destroy my life and myself in the process. I wanted it to hurt because I was the stupid piece of shit that made this fucking mound of refuse and rot, I deserved to suffer for it and to bleed while I set it ablaze. 

I let that anger sit. I repeated it to myself every day. I don't even know how long it went on because everything was just a haze of rage turned so inward I couldn't even pretend to give a shit about the trivial problems other people were bringing to me. For a long time, I still felt pity and empathy for them, especially when I tried to look past the rage and extend myself only to walk away feeling disrespected time and time again. I still felt badly for them, and it fed the rage directed at myself because I couldn't even help a person right. I couldn't even be a good enough friend. I couldn't even be a good enough sister, daughter, partner. So every failure the people around me faced, became my fault. I do think there have been people in my life intending to fan those flames as there often are. I gave them the gasoline willingly every time. 

When I decided I needed to make a change was when I knew I was beginning to turn that hatred outward. I wanted others to hurt. I wanted to hurt them. I wanted, to implode and take as many people out with me. That was a scary realization. And the scarier thing to realize was that, I wanted to do it so badly. I know I'm capable of it now. I didn't think I was, but I am very capable of a level of destruction I used to be unable to fathom. 

I sat back and used my now excessive free time to try and break down that anger I was feeling, find the source, find where the wound was so I could take care of it myself. 

I found it. Ignored it. Insisted it was something else. Turned a blind eye and stopped searching because that proved to be a bad idea. The rage continued until it suddenly went very cold. 

I went to bed, dreamt of nothing. Went to sleep without any real trouble, which is typically strange for me. Woke up almost every hour on the hour, every, single night. Would wake up, feel physically sick but never, anything else. No anger. No sadness. It just felt, cold, heavy, and empty. 

It felt how I imagine true darkness feels. I was drowning in darkness every day. Actually, that's not true. I did feel a profound sadness for myself that I didn't recognize. I realized later on that I was mourning my end, which feels morbid to say but I was sad for the life I wanted, what I had been promised, what I hoped for, what I secretly needed so badly, and when I knew none of them were real outcomes for me, it was devasting in a way I have only felt a few times in my life. I was in mourning for myself. 

That depth of despair is hard to describe. Even now, it's very difficult for me to express because my feelings had adjusted so much in such a short period of time, it's a very sad thing to admit I know intimately what that devastation and death of oneself feels like.

Anyway. Enough of that bullshit. Moving on.

I realized I needed to make another fairly significant change and I ended the relationship I have been in for the last 6 years. August 30th would have been my anniversary, I think. 

Note to self - now that I've gotten to this point, I just want to stop. I don't need anyone else to see this. I just need me to see it. Save the draft and re-evaluate later. 

Editor's note from 9-1-26:

I am going to post this out of respect for the me that was brave enough to write this out. I will not be finishing the post as it stands as it's too far removed and I have different things to say now. Don't worry, still sad and self loathing!